Erin Michelle Smith

OK - I need to start posting other things than just negative. I really have past that point in my life it's just this blog is playing catchup. I'm in such an amazing place right now - it kind of feels too good to be true type of thing. So with that in mind, here is a Lullaby I wrote when my daughter was born. I use to read to her every night and we'd fall asleep to her lullabies. I loved how the simplest sounds could sooth the brain and that was my goal here. To Peyton Quinn (PQ) - with love! [...]

Recently, I learned that when I left the treatment center I had been attending, one of the doctors there contacted the VA about me. I don’t know the full details, and I don’t need to—what I did hear made it clear they were attempting to portray me as someone who couldn’t care for myself or set boundaries. What makes that claim especially ironic is that my decision to leave was because my boundaries were repeatedly crossed. One of the clearest examples was the “quiet eating” rule: thirty minutes [...]

Ok - here is one of my latest songs. Kind of just experimenting here with F and F# - that 1/2 tone step and then repeating it in different cords. not named yet 2023 Your browser does not support the audio element. Duration: 2:03 | Format: MP3 [...]

OK - this is the song that kind of was written at the same time as the poem - so I'm just going to title it the same. This apparently caused my mom to sell the piano - yet still never asked why my music was so angry or sad. I don't know if it would've made a difference though, as about this same time I started to front much more than Aaron and I didn't have the memories that he did. This is my take on Amazing Grace. At this time (I wrote this when I was 14-15 and very shortly after I was raped [...]

Content warning: suicide, depression, self-harm As I lay my comfortable numb body upon the ground My tired heart sickened from the sadness that is all around I start to dream of things that just wasn't meant to be Forgetting about my wrist and the blood that was running free I was falling, falling in to the cold darkness of a well Seeing images of me walking down my life's untouched trail I came upon a cliff so very high Oh, if I had only known how to fly Somebody please show me a way For my [...]

Content warning: suicide, depression, self-destruction For the tough guy      who no one shall tie      doing everything for the glory      causing all sorts of treachery Comes a silent tear One that is so dear For the tough guy      who gets so high      going out every night      just looking for a fight Comes a silent tear Quickly washed away with another beer For the tough guy      who makes the girls sigh      getting laid all the time      though it wasn't quite right in his mind Comes [...]

The following is a work in progress One      Today was going to be a great day! The morning sun peeked through the clouds, casting a warm, golden light over everything. The sky was huge, stretching forever in soft blues and whites. In the background, the familiar buzz of summer’s insects filled the air, little things darting about like they were in a hurry. Maybe they knew their time was short. Maybe that’s why they never stopped moving. But the river - the river - it never rushed. It just kept [...]

I started off not wanting to get out of bed. I had a rough night last night. Having fairly recently integrated my alters it makes me feel lonely. It's hard to describe without experiencing it. The night usually belonged to Aaron - he'd think his wild scientific thoughts, write his music or just play the piano, think of things that I just don't feel like I need to. I'm more concerned now with day-to-day things... like what chores I didn't get done. That honestly probably started it all. It's [...]

Content warning: childhood sexual abuse, dissociation Alone, confused    Tired of being used    But what can I do    I'm addicted to you We live in a reality    Without any real honesty    Where white is blue    And we've all learned how to screw Can you see    The hypocrisy in me    yes it's true    I can lie to you too I was only seven    So I made her in my mind    To smile through the sickness    To carry what was mine Do you remember    Ice cream in December    For two long years words [...]

Upon the end of night's darkest hours A sleepy sun boldly climbed above eastern mountain towers To softly touch those angry angels of white floating overhead With fiery fingers painted different shades of red And while I silently slept ever so softly My mind drifted drowsily, fastly fading in and out of a rude reality When suddenly, upon the weary wings of a cold morning breeze Came the sweet sounds of a mournful melody that pierced the serene silence with wondrous ease Through heavy haze my [...]