It's been a hot minute. I'll be perfectly honest... I've avoided thinking to hard about things during the holidays. They have always been notoriously hard for me (very hard - like suicidal hard). Things have been going so beautifully awesome I didn't want to break anything.
Remember, this is what I'm working on - living in the moment and getting use to feeling amazing and not "expecting" or "looking" for something horrible to happen to make me feel normal.
On a really cool thing - after hearing my previous Dr try to spin me as someone out of control with no boundaries I just had assumed me leaving that center was more drama/hostile than I originally thought. However, I got a call from them to attend a "friends and family" day on Christmas Eve.
This was so cool on so many levels. First, as my brain started to go into overdrive about scenarios on "why did they call me?", "what if they confront me?", "what am I going to say if x, y, z happen?" - I simply stopped. Again, this was ironically something I took away from my time there.
I just calmed my thoughts and said - "who cares!" I'm going and if anything just to say hi to friends I had made. It was such a relief when I just stopped with all the thinking and what-if's... So that was the first awesome thing about going and I hadn't even left my house yet.
When I got there, it was so unbelievable. The hugs I got from the staff and even the Dr were amazing. The Dr said I looked so good (I have been running with my daughter and have lost 10 pounds but dang - compliments almost hurt me now lol). It really was nice to see everyone and my friends.
However, it was also extremely eye opening and I'm in a way glad I'm not there anymore. I know this sounds like I think I'm cured - I'm not. I have so much work to do. But, the patients there... including my friends... are just 'stuck' - there is no other way to say it. I love them all - but I don't think I have the patients for it anymore.
They are so stuck in feeling negative I can't stand it. I had several interactions but one with a person who, like everyone there, had been abused as a child. She was so 'stuck' on feeling bad for herself and her life, stuck on hating her parents and her abusers. There we were, asked by Dr what we were thankful for and she was so stuck she really couldn't answer. She wasn't alone either.
It made me sad - and thankful that I'm seeing the world differently now.
I had another interaction with a young "trans"... oh boy - let me tell you about this one. First, right off the bat as I walked in (stunning btw - in my healed boots, fleece lined leggings, and a off-white sweater - nails done etc) the first thing she asked before I could sit down was, "are you trans?" Not a hi, my name is bla bla bla - nothing...
I already read the room and her and knew exactly where this was going to go. I responded - "eh - I kind of don't like the word trans but yea."
Night goes on, and this person who is taller than me (and larger) was trying to lay in her chair, closing her eyes, etc... When a question was asked directly to her, she'd sit up - yawn, stretch and act as though everything was about her. It made me sick to my stomach how she always tried to answer in what she "thought" the Dr wanted to hear. Always trying to stay out of trouble...
This annoyed me to no end. When the Dr prompted her to ask the females in the room what it meant to be female and then ask me... I had it. I asked her "how old are you?" - she responded 19. I said - "I don't see that - I see someone trying to act like they are 7... can't sit there and give anyone else their attention"
I had to stop myself there was so much more I wanted to say. So I'll say it here and now... There is a reason I don't like the word trans. I find that at the younger "trans" throw the word around as though they are owed something - the world must treat them a certain way because they are trans.
That's now how it works... Secondly, if you truly don't know what it means to be female perhaps you should flip the question (a trick that I - Aaron - would do often when I was a software engineer and had trouble defining the problem or solution - invert it and see it from a different angle).
So - "what ISN'T a female." It certainly isn't trying to sleep during a holiday even in a chair. It isn't disrespecting others while they talk and only paying attention when you are talked to. I really could just go on and on.
But most importantly - being "female" doesn't even matter. Be YOURSELF. So if you are asking "what is a female" and your actions scream "I'm a kid and I want attention" then what about you is real? Are you that fake?
Anyways - I'm not a normal "trans" in that I'm also super conservative and I don't expect the world/strangers to treat me a certain way. I carry myself how I feel - I carry myself how I am... not who I am trying to be. And... to be perfectly honest - this is the secret on why my life has been so DAMN AWESOME lately.
I get compliments ALL... THE... TIME... From strangers, from friends, from family. I get them so much that I have to stop myself from over thinking them. But what I realized is that the reason I get them is that I'm me. I walk around not expecting anything but getting everything. I love myself who I've become and how I look and carry myself. God I wish I could talk to Dr. High and just give her the biggest hug ever!
So none of that was the reason I even wanted to post tonight... So I'll save that for another post - this is long enough.