Ok, a week ago I had one of those "weird" moments. They happen to me all the time. The weirdness isn't in the way the individual acted towards me, it's the way I'm internalizing and learning to let go. This is one of those - "I've got a lot of learning left to do" - moments.
I was walking through the grocery store - just in casual cutoff shorts, sandals, and my "quick hair." I probably was talking to myself as I tried to remember what I was there for (usually I make a list but I thought I'd wing this quick trip). As I walked across the front of the store by the registers where people we're in line waiting to check out, a female looked at me and said, "You look awesome!"
It wasn't too enthusiastic to make it awkward (unlike my response) but it definitely wasn't something she "accidently" said out loud. I smiled and thanked her as I walked by but...
In my head - omg - the things that swim around in there. Do I look ugly? Do I look like a man trying hard to look like a woman? Did I forget to wear any pants? Is she just saying that because it's obvious? Do I have boogers?
At the same time, I was truly happy. I get these almost EVERY SINGLE TIME I go out. And, every single time, those thoughts swim around in my head. Are people just being 'nice' to me because they think they have to?
This is something that I'm working on and is at the root of why I felt the need to talk to Dr. High. Things are so damn good right now! Too good. It's been too good for over 4-5 months. Life isn't like this is it? I mean - isn't something bad suppose to happen by now?
So there I am, getting compliments and I'm expecting the worst. I mean, I'm almost looking for it now. There must be an alternative "reason" these people are complimenting me. But.... what if there isn't. Most importantly, who cares if there is?
I awkwardly stopped several feet after I passed her, I started to turn around as if to say something, then just kind of froze. I didn't know what to do. I continued on grabbing my onions and then checked out and thought about this a lot the last week or so. I decided that I wasn't going to do this anymore. I'm going to just take the compliment for what it is. I'm also going to take the time from now on to stop and look at the person giving me the compliment and actually "talk" to them.
Tonight, I got to put this into practice. I just had lunch with my mom and daughter and was getting my nails done. Apparently, my working out and eating healthy got noticed. The girls at the salon complimented me - my nail specialist specifically commenting on how good my body looked in a whisper to me (10 pounds lost, 20 more to go).
Those thoughts were starting to try to swim in my head again. I simply responded to her and we talked. It allowed me to notice things around me. Her new haircut, new decorations, the mood of the staff. Since I started my journey, I've been really good at noticing things. But this time, looking at her and responding directly to the compliment, it allowed me to have simple conversation - a genuine conversation.
After my nails were done I went to next door to get some milk and yogurt and as I walked in, the quick checkout clerk said, "I LOVE your boots - they are so cool!" Again, just some random woman. This time, without hesitation, I stopped and talk to her. Told her that I wished I could wear stuff like this more often but I'm just a tad too tall to get away with it. She, in more of a whisper, said that "I look absolutely beautiful." The conversation was so cool as she was beautiful herself and after exchanging compliments (she had the coolest glasses) we both walked away feeling good about ourselves.
My god - women are both the best and worst at judging - and being just as open with the compliments.
I'm going to take the compliments today - chalk this up as another perfect day in the long list of perfect days in the last 4-5 months and just hope that this weird feeling starts to feel.... normal!
(... and my boots are freaking awesome btw)
I love myself - never thought I'd say that.